The National Weather Service today announced that after Monday April 20th, 2022. This at 11:48am there will be no more weather. At least none as we currently understand it. This because of our coming encounter with Black Hole “Wolf 359”. Black holes are profoundly mysterious. Their nature as we suddenly know is that they can appear anywhere at any time. ...hence the surprise visit. The outer Event Horizon will touch down 250km off the coast of California and move with the rotation of the Earth westward. Boiling the seas and scalding the continents as it goes.
Fun facts.
Behind this flaming wave, the earth possibly to a depth of 10 miles will be stripped up into the Hole. Some think to the core as the earth itself is devoured. There is no possible shelter. We're fucked.
Gets better.
If the surface is stripped as anticipated, it’s possible that within three billion years the planet will kinda sorta heal. Some scientists project Earth would be like the current Mars. Life re-evolving is unlikely as the planet will be sterilized. Then again, we could eventually get hit with an asteroid full of microbes. ...Like last time. Then this whole mess will just start over. …swell.
In reaction to this interesting news President Biden fell asleep. The new President is Denis McDonough the Secretary of Veterans Affairs, and 16th in line of succession. The rest had other plans. The new President has announced a “National Block Party” to begin at 9am today, and to last till the consumption of the earth on the morning of the 20th.
The party will be funded by the National Treasury. Sez the President: “All the material needs and wants of the people will be met. Of course, we could have been doing this all along, but the evil shit heads that ran things thought you were all stupid illiterate reality show watching wage slaves so treated you accordingly.”
The now very popular President also opened our secret national archives for both scholars, and the curious to examine. Turns out them UFO guys are real. This as the feds were just beginning to come clean about. Them space guys warned us about that Black Hole 70 years ago. Seems that was the whole point of their visits. We ignored them. …Figures.
The new president has ordered the arrests of all living presidents, and officials in the the know about this. They will be held on a ship at ground zero. So will be the first fried. As to them secret achieves there’s fun facts aplenty. It was a combination of wealthy elites organized crime, and the intelligence community that killed the Kennedy brothers as well as Dr. MLK. They also canceled Star Trek in ‘66, but that backfired on them big time.
Seems the Alien saucer guys gave us a cure for all cancers in the mid-1950’s but it was kept from the population for economic reasons. They also gave us free tuition the free lunch flying cars hyper-quantum internet, and immortality. We had all this since 1956. However, it was held back by our bosses. Only the wealthy connected got any goodies. No surprise there.
The reaction of religious leaders to hell on earth was predictable.
The Dali Lama said, “…I told you so”. Pope Francis posted, “…and you deserve every bit of this you selfish greedy shits!” That weird guy on the “700 Club” wept into the camera. Said he: “…The Fuck?!!”
Locally obscure old guy, and even more obscure former radio personality Uncle Sidney was rather at ease with the whole thing. Uncle on hearing of the coming weird, and rather painful end of the world revealed himself as a minor member of the Angelic realm.
“I was in lower middle management” said Uncle.
“I finally pissed off enough bosses to get sent to earth as a clerk. My job is cataloging comic books, and really bad novels. Btw this shit is not just the end of you guys down here. All of the human made religions, and gawds are toast. This includes their spiritual bureaucracies as well.“
"So I guess I’m out of a job. That whole Abrahamic thing, which us Angels came from was sort of made up. ‘But with so much psychic energy poured into it for so long it became sort of real. Hard to explain. Anyway when humanity goes the energy goes with it. So all your heavens hells or whatever is toast come Monday.”
“Me I’m taking president what’s his name’s offer to get neat stuff. I gots my eye on a hot pink 1955 Thunderbird…ya know with that little 'porthole' on the sides? That’s if they can find one in time.“
However all may not be lost,…Uncle goes on.
"Um…I must say at this point. I mean still having a few connections with the Big Guy. Nothing may happen. The Ultra-verse is weird. Like that giant bleeping 4 foot deep killer Blizzard we were supposed to get. Then at literally the last moment it went out to sea, and we got drizzle instead.”
“Well Wolf 359 may well do the same, and disappear back into whatever dark matter phone booth it came from. Just saying. So maybe pay your rent this month just in case. Also Biden may wake up, and want his job back.”
More on this developing story as events warrant.
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