"...Arf"

 

I remember our dog Brownie from when I was little. See stunt double above. She was swell…mostly. She’d cook do the laundry go shopping even the post office. Brownie used to do my math homework, and type letters to grandma for me. She’d write checks for the electric bill and vacuum the rugs. That, and play with us. She was cool.

Times have changed, and not for the better. These days dogs just sit around sleeping complaining and eating all the time. Heck dogs today don’t even bother to vote. This after all the trouble they went through back in the 70’s to get the damned thing.

Well at least they’ve stopped talking.

Brownie tho’ cool would never shut up. All day all night she’d yack about the Dodgers Milton Berle or how much she hated the cat next door. We had to lock her in the basement, but she would bang on the door threatening to turn us in to the IRS. She did our taxes too.

Dear Brownie finally kicked the bucket one morning at dog age of 348…one tough dog. She wanted us to put up a big bleeping shrine to her in the yard…with blinking neon lights. ‘Course we said we would, but actually we just buried her behind the garage. She’s probably waiting in Dog Heaven to give us crap about that.

Cats are another matter. They mind their own business, and don’t need you for anything. I tried to get one to help me with the Times crossword. She just looked at me yawned and went back to sleep. Dogs are like joyful toddlers. The human age of Cats is 42 and they're fed up with your shit. ...yeah, pretty much.

Btw I just checked my mail.

Senior Social Services informs me I may have died several years ago.

I had a feeling something was wrong. Anyway, they want me to come down, and register as such. Seems I get to vote twice now.