"...jizz"

I wrote this years ago. It's as true now as then.

Once upon a time.

The "City Dept. of Elders" thinks I'm nuts so sent me to a Shrink. This while deciding which Geriatric Gulag to deport me to. The doc' is a thirty-something with turquoise hair, and 1980's jewelry.

She asks how I feel.

"Swell" sez I.

"Although I just had a dream where I was being chased down the street by bed springs." ...that really happened.

She takes notes nodding calmly.

Ms. Turquoise wanted to know what sort of meds I'm on, and if they're effective.

"A bunch, and more or less." 

"I mean it stops me from jumping out of windows or slashing my wrists,...again."

She lifts an eyebrow,..."Again?"

"Yeah."

I show junior my scars from various boyhood attempts. What a mess. I never got it right. Sure I learned how later, but won't tell you as a public service. 

It was about this time them floating Naked Angel Boys clutching teddy bears showed up again. They came through the wall above the shrink.

I decided not to mention them.

I'm asked if I've ever had "urges of violence?"

The Angels start jerking off over me.

"Violence...sure. I mostly dream of kicking the bloody crap out'a bullies Nazis the IRS homophobes, and them butt-holes that make that disgusting sound with their teeth."

I warm to the subject by going into medieval detail. Vats of acid piano wire wood chippers heavy objects dropped from great height. That whole violent cartoon routine. 

Meanwhile it rains Angel jizz. 

The Angels finished up, and departed through another wall.

...if she saw them she didn't let on.

Anyway I asks if she could slip me a few ampules of morphine. A few...heck bleeping boxes would be good. Love's that Morphine!

She changes the subject wanting to know if I was abused as a kid. ...Gimme a break what kind'a question is that.

"You kidding who wasn't? It was like the worse parts of the Bible. You want details watch Jerry Springer."  I mentions how I could use a pastrami hero about now. 

She looks up from her notes, and sez, "...you associate your memories of abuse with food?"

I tell her I was hungry all the time as a kid, and not just for food. It was a childhood Apocalypse. What with getting beat up terrorized robbed, and humiliated everywhere all the time. 

I decided to turn the tables,...I do this to shrinks.

"What's the worse thing that's ever happened to 'you'?"

A pause then she sez,...

"I was beaten, and raped"

Silence.......

Christ on a burning pony. 

'This' is the worse thing that can happen to a human being. 

I mean other than waking up an Orthodox Jew in Dachau in the winter of 1943. Or Black in Jamestown in 1609. 

I got done too. Gang raped. Yeah this really happened. Three big kids at day camp held me down, and took turns fucking me up my 10 year old ass. 

I screamed. 

They said I could "scream all I liked". "Nobody" would come. Nobody did. 
Just like prison. Like them floating Angels I kept this to myself most of my life.

After a bit my doctor tells me I'm not crazy.

She says, "...I can't get you any Morphine, but I'll up your depression meds,...throw in some Valium."

"Thanks" I say.

She closes her note book.

"I think we're through for today."

We part,...till next week.

 (Like all my stories this is part fantasy part history. The major bits happened though maybe not in the order presented. Like I say think of these as docudrama's.  This format makes these things easier to live with for me.)