"My Secret Life"

21st Century American Poverty,...Elder Division.

Since retirement I have lived five years in poverty. American poverty not world standard poverty. 
If it were that I would be long dead. However here's what I learned from American poverty.

One uses a pen till it's out of ink. The more inventive have figured out how to refill ball point or felt-tipped pens.

You wash your things in the bath tub not the laundry. Except for large things like quilts. For these one saves like for haircuts. Sometimes for weeks even a month or two. The little civilized things you did, and took for granted are gone.

You must internalize that to survive. 

For example light.  Use electricity only when you must. ...and only for a few minutes. You now use candles. I suggest the religious votive kind. Not for spiritual reasons. Use them because they are large thick glass encased, and long lasting.

Yes this is rationing. 

Everything in your life now has to be rationed. 
Disposable income , and what it gave is now gone. 
You must accept that you will never have it back.

Public transit even with the Elder Card is expensive.  Remember you don't even have pocket change most of the time. ...Walk.

As for your food this is for the rest of your life rationed. In my case I began only eating solids every other day. 
I experimented with three meal-less days but became very ill.

Really,...don't do that.  

Also the government supplements which are very grudgingly given, and meant to last a month,...don't. Yes you will sometimes eat at church pantry, and yes Soup kitchens. That is if you want to stay alive. 

Your dignity is an early casualty of poverty if it's new to you. 

Though I find it interesting how well one survives without it. 

Speaking of dignity. I remember asking a relation for help with food. I was in fact begging. Hunger does this. Also I have Diabetes. This bloats, and shrinks you. I made the mis-judgement of begging while in a bloated phase.

I was told, "...but you're fat you don't need anything."

I didn't explain the Diabetic cycles. The humiliation of asking was bitter enough. Though I admit this is all a really annoying off putting trail of tears for those not on it. 

...or beyond imagining it.

I remember being human. Being a person. Having all my needs secure. I remember just going about my business paying my own way. So yeah I get it. ...sorry to ask.
Imagine being still around after a big War. When all you have is all you will ever have. 

"All you will ever have"

Sewing. You will learn to sew, and get good at it. You will very rarely have new things. So you will repair what you have well. 

The problem is as I found. Most modern made apparel only lasts one at most two seasons. 

So years of hand washing, and sewing will wear them out.

The material becomes thinner than the thread you're repairing them with.  

I've made shirts meant to last six months last three to five years. However that's as far as they can go. Except for jeans these last decades. Though even they need constant attention.

There are other things. Things that gave me comfort that are gone for the rest of my life. I used to love browsing, and buying books. One new book is three meals. That's the new math of your existence.

I can hear the republicans out there.

"GET A JOB YOU LAZY SHIT!"

I'd love one. 

Not only for the money, but to be a person among people again. Some elders have found some employment. I've tried for years. I even have another lead at the moment. 

However these peter out or if they pay off last days at most. The longest was as a folder in a laundry. I lived almost like a person for four months. What I saved kept me civilized for a long time.

About dignity. 
I was a broadcast engineer even head of my department. I had position responsibility respect a life.

Then I retired. I was lucky I became a worker in an old laundry.

I was a folder in a shabby laundry elbow to elbow with people that never had real jobs no real career were born into poverty are still in it, and will stay in it.

Compared to them I'm ashamed to post this.

Unlike them I had a middleclass life for most of my life. However our kind of society being what it is. It's so very easy to lose that very quickly.

The elder part doesn't help.

Here I whine,...earned the right by now despite the life I had. One so much more complete than my former laundry co-workers. Still I earned a bit whining. However they still get the Gold.

When you become old you are going to be poor. 
Especially now. In 40 years it might be better, but I doubt it. When you are old, and poor you are a nuisance an embarrassment to everyone. So you learn to stay to yourself.

When things become desperate you must weigh the humiliation of asking for help from others or the government. I no longer ask. I just did, and never will again. I was very grateful, but...

I actually want my dignity.

More as I live, and watch.