"Why I Am as I Am"

There's a reason so many Black people behave as we do. Note I'm speaking of Slave descended 'Black' peoples. Other people of color have other histories, and their own American experiences. We have a particularly 'unique' one. 
The Native folks the only others with a more tragic history.

We by our existence here have a wide variety of traumatic experiences in our lives. Along with the crap everyone else has. It is not post traumatic it's on going. Will never stop. Can never stop.

For example I expect to be killed by white cops. My life experience has given me this expectation. The first time white people tried to kill me I was eight. 

Fucking Eight. 

I was dragged in by cops on a purse snatching charge. I was slapped to the ground kicked in my side, and taken to a police station. I was eight.
Think of yourself when you were that age.

I remember everything about the event. It was a cold afternoon. I was going to the corner store for my aunt,...bread I remember Wonder Bread, and I think a can of something. 

I was grabbed from behind beaten then I'm in a police station.

They shoved me in front of the lady whose purse was taken. I remember her clearly. She said that it was "teenagers". She said this is a "baby". I remember she said "baby".

Children remember details.

That lady saved my life. No they didn't drive me home,...I walked.
So began my life as an American.

Skip ahead sixty years, and a lifetime of Traumas. Black lives are so full of varieties of American traumas. 
I'm leaving the library last April, and I'm roughly stopped, and frisked,...by white cops. 

This after the City stopped the practice, but some precincts continue anyway. Particularly in white upscale 'hoods against anyone who shouldn't be there.

I'm shoved against the wall my shoulder bag contents dumped on the wet pavement, and a gun held on me. "So at last" I thought. Finally they kill me.

As I later wrote "I was one sudden move from eternity".

Verbal abuse shoved about all the while with a gun on me. Looking back I think they were provoking hoping to kill me. 

It would have be a scene in an HBO movie. 
Elderly Black pacifist killed by cops on a rainy afternoon with Walt Whitman clutched in his arms.

This is really what it would have looked like. 
The Angels are predictable stage managers. 

So I lived. 

It's like Black people are walking around with dozens of untreated bullet wounds in them. 
Everyday with another hundred little cuts. 

Yet we go on.

Sooner or later some white cop is going to kill me. 
Yeah maybe a black gang-banger. 
However the odds on a cop bullet are better.

So if you wondered this is why Niggers are Crazy.