In an electoral upset equal to the UK’s inability to govern itself.  A Puppy has just devoured all of the U.S. Mid-term Senate and House candidates!  Even those annoying 3rd party nutters. The lot into the puppy's tummy! The heroic doggo whose street name is "Kool-J" was apprehended by Secret Service agents. They held Kool-J upside down trying to get the candidates or at least major portions of them into a handy punch bowl.

No dice. The former culture war fanatics were mulched into a common meatball. There continues to be a search for possible co-conspirators to this delicious deed. As news of this mass political consumption spread. Crowds formed in the streets of cities towns, and villages across da U.S. of A.! This to praise the lunch time deed of the hungry puppy "Kool-J". The Archbishop of Kansas City hailed him as, “Savior of the Republic!’”

"Eddie" homeless much decorated Afghanistan vet openly wept saying into our microphones, "...Now there is Hope where there was 'none' before!" Retired emotionally unstable obscure radio hack "Uncle Sidney" is reported to have said, "...will you damned maniacs quiet down I'm taking my Meds up here!"

Yes, across the nation, and around the world a collective sigh of relief as a seriously deranged demented bullet was averted by all.  "Kool-J" in his first press conference since his very popular crime said, "Eh...I really need to go for a walk...no really I do. More on this great event as developments warrant.