"...job security"

 

Once upon a time.

The National Weather Service today announced that after Monday July 19th, 2021 at 11:48am there will be no more weather. At least none as we currently understand it. This because of our coming encounter with Black Hole "Wolf 359".

Black holes are profoundly mysterious. Their nature as we suddenly know is that they can appear anywhere at anytime. The outer Event Horizon of Wolf 359 will touch down 250km off the coast of California, and move with the rotation of the Earth westward. Boiling the seas as it goes.

Fun facts.

Behind this steamy adventure the earth possibly to a depth of 10 miles will be stripped into the Hole. Some think to the core as the earth itself is devoured whole. The boiling oceans will scald all life to death. There is no possible shelter.

Gets better.

If the surface is stripped to the 10 miles anticipated it's possible that within three billion years the planet will kinda sorta heal. Some scientists project that it would be closer to the current Mars. Whereas life re-evolving is unlikely as the planet will be sterilized.

Then again we could eventually get hit with an asteroid full'a microbes. Then this whole mess will just start over,...swell.

In reaction to this interesting news President Biden fell asleep. The new President is Denis McDonough the Secretary of Veterans Affairs, and 16th in line of succession. The rest had other plans. The new President has announced a "National Block Party" to begin at 9am today, and to last till the consumption of the earth next Monday morning.

The party will be funded by the National Treasury.

Sez the President,..."Basically all the material needs, and wants of the people will be met. Of course we could have been doing this all along, but the evil shit heads that ran things thought you were no better than slaves so treated you accordingly."

The now very popular President also opened our national secret archives for both scholars, and the curious to examine. Turns out them UFO guys are real. This as the feds were just beginning to come clean about. Them space guys warned us about that Black Hole 70 years ago. Seems that was the whole point of their visits...we ignored them. ...Figures.

The new president has ordered the arrests of all still living presidents, and officials in the the know.

About them secret achieves there's fun facts aplenty.

As assumed it was a combination of wealthy elites organized crime, and the intelligence community that killed the Kennedy brothers as well as Dr. MLK. They also canceled Star Trek in '66, but that backfired on them big time.

The Aliens gave us a cure for all cancers in the mid-1970's but it was kept from the population for economic reasons.

Free tuition the free lunch flying cars hyper-quantum internet, and immortality are handy as well. However only to the wealthy or connected. Just like we thought.

The reaction from religious leaders was predictable.

The Dali Lama said, "...I told you so".

Pope Francis posted, "...and you deserve every bit of this you selfish greedy shits!"

That weird guy on the "700 Club" wept into the camera, "...The Fuck?!!"

Locally obscure old guy, and even more obscure former radio personality Uncle Sidney was rather at ease with the whole thing. Uncle on hearing of the coming weird, and rather painful end of the world revealed himself as a minor member of the Angelic realm.

"I was in lower middle management" said Uncle.

"I finally pissed off enough bosses to get sent to earth as a clerk. My job is cataloging comic books, and really bad novels. Btw this shit is not just the end of you guys down here. All of the human made religions, and gawds are toast. This includes their spiritual bureaucracies as well."

"So I guess I'm out of a job.

That whole Abrahamic thing which us Angels came from was sort of made up. 'But with so much human energy poured into it for so long it became,...well sort of real. Hard to explain. Anyway when humanity goes the energy goes with it. So all your heavens hells or whatever is toast come Monday."

"Me I'm taking president what's his name's offer to get neat stuff. I gots my eye on a hot pink 1956 Thunderbird,...ya know with that little "porthole" on the side? That's if they can find one in time."

However all may not be lost,...Uncle goes on.

"Um,...I must say at this point. I mean still having a bit of a connection with that gawds stuff."

"...Nothing may happen."

"The Ultra-verse is weird. Like that giant bleeping 6 foot deep killer Blizzard we were supposed to get. Then at literally the last moment it went out to sea, and we got drizzle instead.

Well "Wolf 359" may well do the same, and disappear back into whatever dark matter phone booth it came from. Just saying.

So maybe pay your rent this month just in case."

"Also Biden may wake up, and want his job back."

More on this developing story as events warrant.