"The Actual Xmas Carol"

This is a departmental transcript of a conversation between a civil service Angel, and one E. Scrooge. Time: 8:45 pm Greenwich, December 24th 1856 C.E.

"Eh,...Mr. E. Scrooge of Number 17 Thames Street North?"

"Who is there how dare you enter my home!"

"Strictly speaking I haven't,...that is entered your abode. Time-space displacements, and such."

"What?"

"Never mind. Upon review of your current life Personnel Management has dispatched,...well 'me' to set things in some order. Pardon the intrusion."

"What?!!"

"Of course."

"Mr. Scrooge you are what is called in the popular jargon a "First Class Shit". This being so your file rather stuck out like your assorted Mad Kings Maniacs, and Algebra teachers."

"What?!!!"

"Indeed."

"The usual treatment is to let loose Spirits of the Season on them, and hope for the best. In your case a waste of time."

"...again I say Wha..."

"Please don't"

"So what I'm going to do is dip you corporeally into hell."

"Um I'm sorry this will hurt,...rather a lot I'm afraid. You'll be immersed for five minutes subjective time. This is roughly 148 years in spiritual time."

"This way please."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

At this point in the transcript replacement Angel~567/R88/Kv logged that he went to the Caligula pub drank several pints of Hammerhead talked shop, and lost track of time.

Client E. Scrooge was belatedly retrieved from Hell 2 hours 56 minutes after being dispatched within. It is somewhat difficult to calculate hades time, but as best accounting can tell Mr. Scrooge spent approximately 3,056 years in the neither regions. Somewhat longer than prescribed.

"Mr. Scrooge,...sir,...are you alright?"

"What?"

"Excellent."

"Our apologies you were ensconced in the "Lakes of Fire' for rather longer than intended. We hope this inconvenience has helped you reform your view of humanity."

"What?"

"Exactly."

"In my capacity as Angel~567/R88/Kv I'm required to say:

...Your soul is saved,...for now.

Go forth, and show kindness to the world."

"Here is your receipt for time spent in hell,...non-transferable. If you would sign just there thank you,...and here....right here too, just over here, thank you, annnd,...here. Thank you.

Of course nothing will be deposited into your spiritual account as you had to be told to be good,...have a Merry Christmas if that applies."

"What?"