"...the rub"

I should do a diorama with my models here. This with my replica Empire State Building, and my little Kong action figure.

However like most stuff.

I'm just too tired, and bleeped to bother these daze.

I'm really tired of being fucking ill.

On another topic I really wanted to be a flier.

My mom had cousins the flew with the RAF in WW2

This in the Jamaican Service.

The Islands were in the Empire then so they flew. 

The Brits were on the ropes so needed every warm body

in the air the seas or at the front.

Color not a problem, well it was, but still.

So I wanted to fly like my moms cousins.

They're photos looked so cool.

Them neat katz in their RAF uniforms

There was the rub though.

Besides being a Colored kid in America.

The deal breaker was ya had to kill people up there.

As a kid I didn't exactly get that mass death from wars stuff.

Later as a teen Peacenik I seriously did. 

So I played with dolls instead.

I still mean to make a video of with my population of dolls.

We'll see,...in time maybe.

"Collaborator"

They gave me a serious workout while I was in hospital yesterday. This trying to figure out why I was in such agony distraught, and generally fucked up. If they found cancers or anything with a short shelf life I wanted no treatments. No chopping bits off or gutting me. 

I just want to go home.

I refused permission for the regular floorshow. Just pain management will be fine thanks. I was questioned about this. They asked if I wanted to speak to my surgeon. One piped in,...perhaps the Chaplin?

That did it.

"Thanks" I said "...if you're finished can you prescribe the meds because I'm going home now."

I was told this was an "...unhelpful attitude".

"For who",....asked I.

More tests more trying to talk me into letting them cut me up. More me saying thanks,...but no thanks. One Doc was somewhat understanding said she understood. That, and there's so far no clear evidence of any malignancy.  "...but we have to be thorough."

The other doctors just wanted to get with their program. Them wonks assumed I was just another frightened old guy begging Jebus, and wanting to hang by my bloody finger nails to every second of this crappy life. ...a lot of that in them places.

As the kids used to say, "Not!"

My "unhelpful attitude" again. I also wanted to tell some of these children that I have dirty socks older than them so they should be taking 'my' advice about life.

Otherwise everything is fine.

Btw I hear that Muller thing was a waste of time. No surprise. Fuck it. I'm thinking of becoming a collaborator, and buying a red cap. 
This since it's clearly the wave of the future. 

Looking for a "Blacks for Trump" t-shirt as well.

"~\S/~"

From my Kitchen Solar Observatory.

6:37pm EDT, 3-28-19

The Eye of G-d sets over Brooklyn.

"~\B/~"

"Nuff Said"

"Guest Editorial from Z"

"Did you know that Krishna, and Jesus

are banging away in the Heavenly Sphere

right now?"

"...jet"

Authorities say the teen subway 

jet racing problem is mostly under control.

"78rpm"

"Holy"

"Inexplicable",...repost from 2 years back.

Desire is inexplicable. Given that we live in a complex  contradictory world culture. Where there's nearly eight billion of us destroyer of worlds running around loose. Each with an ever changing set of desires. Orientations. That, and each of us under pressure to keep them quiet.

This because to keep any kind of order we have a standardized set of norms for everyone.

A set that has nothing whatever to do with what the sweaty lot of us would otherwise die or kill for,...at least in our dreams. We spend our whole lives in primal want. It is no wonder our world is an unending slaughter house.

However there have been attempts at solutions in fiction.

Samuel Delany's "Lawless Zones" in his novel "Triton". The TAZ "Temporary Autonomous Zones" from Hakim Bey. The "Red Hour" from Star trek prime. This on a world where all law is suspended at a specific time.
The very popular "Mad Max" clones. This where post end of society war lords murder, and rape to the cheers of their adoring fans. This I think is what most males in any society want. Civilization was never a good fit for men.

The above are the only alternatives I'm aware of.

As for what Freedom would really look like. I mean for real. Well considering that otherwise normal folks have sexual dreams involving door knobs small mammals, and carpentry tools I shudder to imagine.

I think most forms of personal freedom would not look much like mine. Which tends towards Hippie Be-ins of a half century ago. Most would be of the above "Mad Max" sort.

Guys just like that sort of thing. Banners wars guns rape power, and booze are their core desires. For now they have to make do with joining the Nazi party or some such nationalist gang.

"Monsters from the id", the unseen power of our primal wants.


So those soul killing standardized values is all that's keeping the lid on. Sort of like the Cold War held back all those ethnic genocides. However there may still be a way out, no idea what, but it's nice to say.

Research continues.

"Barbie NSA Profile"

Barbie Kohler born West Germany 1946.

Heidelberg University of Science 1967.

Qualified pilot Heer Luftwaffe.

NATO Black OP

NSA associate 1970~2017.

Current status retired.

"Scalps"

#45 Wants 'YOU' to join the Space Force!

Travel to the Stars find New Worlds, and New Civilizations,

AND KILL THEM!

Blast Off into a World of Adventure, and Genocide. 

Collect Alien Scalps, and Good Pay!

Enlist in the Space Force!

"Lonely Death "

The video report below by RT is about the lonely death of old men in Japan. It could be as well here or other western countries without contemporary traditions of extended family. I saw myself in this.

I live as many of the isolated men in this piece do. I have a routine. I get up shower wash what I wore yesterday hang it to dry.

Then I write or read for some hours perhaps a short walk for exercise,...though I'm not able much now. Going to market even is hard now. I go online for mostly lectures. History the arts, and sciences. I think I've earned another liberal arts degree by this.

I get almost no personal calls from family or friends. What I do get is the hospital the landlord the electric company, and wrong numbers. This is why I leave my phone mostly off.

Though I do visit with old friends from my broadcast career maybe four of five times a year. We used to see each other everyday all day. 
Now only four times a year one sees the aging.

Sleep.

Much sleep. I'm weaker now than I've ever been.  I'm staring 70 in the face. Fuck it I'm alive. I used to spend time doing art. A lot of crafts projects see below. It had a meditative effect. Took courses at the 92nd Street Y. Historic digs Google it.

Cute Huh?

I made Queer pieces too, but this post or

this whole site might be deleted

if I put them up. ...swell.

It passed the time like basket weaving did for an earlier generation of the unwanted. I don't do any of that anymore. No point.
I never see anyone. Well except for doctors or Social Service visitors making sure I'm still alive. 

I do converse intermittently on Facebook with people around the world. Well more like messages in a bottle than active conversing.
This might be my main connection with humanity. 

Oh the 21st century.

I remember reading that in the 60's through the 90's old folks made up relationships with characters on TV shows. This became their social network of phantoms. My Facebook community are also phantoms. I care for them, but will never see or really know them.

I had an actual breathing friend that owned the market. He was about my age, and we chatted about the old daze. I went the other day. His nephew said he'd passed away. 

Just like that.

Right,...so. Life goes on. 

I see few do little. The Docs, and assorted professionals I tell this all recommend the same noise. Old folks community crap. Geriatric rubber rooms. I've seen them places, and people. 

While in hospital was wheeled into the walking dead section. They thought I'd like to be with old folks about to be fertilizer as I was.

Well...

A limited menu of types. Lifeless staring as in Alzheimer's shells of souls. Also religious nuts, neo-Nazis, and straight murderous homophobes. Did I mention old ladies that wanted to make out with me? 

...no thanks. 

I actually wheeled myself back to my suite. The interesting people in my life all died of AIDS or overdoses. I nearly imploded via overdose several times. Looking back a pity I didn't. 

Where was I?

Right late afternoon I make my meals or meal,...I eat generally once a day. Even when I was middle class this was my habit. I have to eat four times a day now or I'll go into diabetic shock,...swell. I tried that once. It was like force feeding a prisoner. 

...fuck it.

I have meds for Hypoglycemic attacks if they come,...they do, but not often. So I eat nap read go online sleep look out the window watch the seasons change, and wait for my turn. Getting laughs where I can along the way.

As in the video report below. They'll know I'm gone when they smell me. Like many elders if I think my time is coming. I leave my door unlocked so the EMT guys won't have to break in to scrape or shovel me up off the floor bed or toilet.

That's the only thing I'm careful of,...I don't want to exit while taking a dump. Hey I ain't Elvis. 
Otherwise besides assorted little details. No real life as I once knew it. I haven't "lived" in years five six maybe. I'm surviving. ...existing. 

I sleep eat listen to lectures watch dust motes write paragraph long time travel stories, and wait.

I'm fine.

"...chilly"

Here on a windy chilly night in the capital of Earth.

New York Rotting City

Eh,...before they move it to Shanghai.

In any case here I sit in the ruins of Empire.

I'm enjoying gleeful 78rpm tunes from a century ago.

By Jove good stuff this.

It passes the time, and takes my mind off the end of things.

Listen below, and go to the site.

"Un laed Englisc~Old English"

"Lofian fe dam de"

*

"Love for Youths"

Then as now.

"Resistance",...repost from a year back

As for an American Resistance to our current government. I'm imagining something much more coherent, and goal driven. More than what we have now. 
Which by progressive tradition is loosely organized with scattered objectives. 
The right as a matter of routine are highly organized, and fanatically fixated on what they want.

Our suffering, and deaths.

This is clearly what they want since this is what they are doing. I'm not an organizational strategist, but I do know history. This tells me that any social movement from any belief must have very specific goals, and organize 'all' to that end.

To do otherwise is to dig your own graves.

(...above Marina Ginesta. She was a Socialist Youth Militia Woman, and journalist in Barcelona. This in 1936 during the Spanish Civil War.
She survived the war. Then lived in Mexico for several years. 
Later France where she served in the Resistance against the Nazis.)

She passed away in 1994.