The "City Dept. of Old Farts" thinks I'm nuts so sent me to a Shrink. This while deciding which Geriatric Gulag to deport me to. The doc' is a mid-thirty-something with turquoise hair, and 1980's jewelry.
She asks how I feel. "Swell" I haven't foamed at the mouth or shit myself in weeks now. Although I just had a dream where I was being chased down the street by bed springs." She takes notes nodding calmly. Ms. Turquoise wanted to know what sort of meds I'm on, and if they're effective.
"A bunch, and more or less. I mean it stops me from jumping out of windows or slashing my wrists...again."
She lifts an eyebrow..."Again?" "Yeah." I show junior my scars from various boyhood attempts. What a mess. I never got it right. Sure I learned how later but won't tell you as a public service. It was about this time them floating Angel clutching teddy bears showed up again. They came through the wall above the shrink. I decided not to mention them. I'm asked if I've ever had "urges of violence?" The Angels start weeping. "Violence...sure. I mostly dream of kicking the bloody crap out'a bullies’ neo-Nazis and the IRS." I warm to the subject by going into medieval detail. Vats of acid piano wire woodchippers heavy objects dropped from great height. It’s raining Angel tears. If she felt them she didn't let on. Anyway, I ask if she could do me a solid, and slip me some morphine. Love's that Morphine! She changes the subject wanting to know if I was abused as a kid. Gimme a break what kind'a question is that. You kidding who wasn't? It was like the worse parts of the Bible. You want details watch Jerry Springer re-runs. I mentions how I could use a pastrami hero about now. She looks up from her notes, and sez, "...you associate your memories of abuse with food?" I tell her I was hungry all the time as a kid. Mostly for kindness and safety. It was a childhood Apocalypse. What with getting beat up terrorized robbed and humiliated by bullies everywhere all the time. I decided to turn the tables...I do this to shrinks. "What's the worst thing that's ever happened to 'you'?" A pause then she sez... "I was raped" Silence....... Christ on a blind pony. ‘This' is the worst thing that can happen to a human being. I mean other than waking up an Orthodox Jew in Dachau in the winter of 1943. I got ‘done’ too. Gang raped. Three big kids at day camp took turns fucking me up my 11 year old ass. I screamed. They said: "...you can scream all you like". I did. Nobody came. Just like prison. Like them floating Angels I kept this to myself. After a bit my doctor tells me I'm not crazy. She sez, “I'll up your dosage, and throw in some Valium." She closes her notebook.
Sez she "I think we're through for today." Stay Tuned. (Like all my stories this is part history part fantasy. The major shit happened. Like I say think of these as docudramas. Makes it easier to live with.)
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