I really need to start taking hard drugs again. They passed the time so fucking well. "Can't sleep can't eat can't read or do shit,...just constant grey nothing...days go by. This is how they find old fucks smeared across their kitchen floor.
I'm tempted to tell them oblivious heartless wonks that fill out your med shit the truth. They come to the part of, "...have you thought of harming yourself or others"
They always bunch the two together.
Morons they're different as a blow job, and shoving a lamp post up your butt. Eh...related, but different. Gimme a break how'd I get into this shit. If I could drive had a car, and put on make-up to make me look white so I'm not stopped, and shot by cops for driving while black.
If I had that shit. I'd jump in hit the road, and not stop till I got to Barrow Alaska. The last stop in this fucked up wretched country. Mind you there's nothing there, but Native folks on food stamps, and white guys with guns that shoot them.
They'd prefer to shoot Niggers, but Indians will do,...till they see me.
Hey get this,...they want me back at hospital for more work,...fuck that shit. I have to decide if I want to carry on with any of this. As they say, "...you understand you must follow a regular procedure. It's the only way to slow the process."
The "...process" is my death.
They have plans to keep chopping me up. They strongly infer feet legs, then on to arms hands, and nasty bits. It's a "process".
Are they nuts?!
I have a better idea. Meds to keep me cool, and a hospice for the final reel. Even they said all that chop-chop will just be buying a few years. Yeah well fuck you. Who da fuck wants them sort of years.
Actually almost everyone.
Them poor souls on the ward I heard all night begging their Jebus to save them. They'd would cook their own kids, see above, and sell the burgers on the streets. This for another hour on this shithole of a world
Yeah I know,...go figure, but they really wanna stay.
Me,...fuck it give me the pills.
Otherwise I'm fine.
That is so fucked. You sound about as fed up as that old guy who checks out at the end of "Soylent Green." Really they should freely dispense morphine for those who want it (and I bet that in some countries you could get it easily).
ReplyDeleteLast year I did a thorough delineation of my horoscope, using a classic reference book to guide me. It turns out that when I go I'm likely to die suddenly, by accident or maybe a heart attack or such. I feel so lucky. Mind you this could happen tomorrow, which I surely don't want; but I can live with it. Maybe if I take up sailing the sea will get me; death by water is one of the means indicated. I believe electrocution us also a possibility. Oh, the possibilities!
Z
Me nothing traumatic. A nice sweet quiet grand finale.
ReplyDeleteMind you I ain't actively dying at the moment,...just on the road. I was a care-giver to elderly relatives. I know what this shit is, and fuck me if I ain't in it now.
How much time who knows,...with more chopping a few to several years. See when the chopping starts your body is prey to shit. Like with cancer or AIDS. You're a walking bullseyes for any shit that wants to eat you.
So meds them guys poking me draining stuff fucking me up, and basically padding the Medicare for every cent they can get out of my cadaver.
If I stop shit starts. More stuff infected, and chopped off. So I think I'll go just the meds...till that time.
Been thinking about that time.
I find such meditations calming.
Looked up hospices as well. I think my family will deal with all that though...I shouldn't be there long. if I can watch "Orville", and eat what I want I'm swell with it.
The again I ight still be here when I'm 80. Actually I hope not...I've really had enough thanks. I just want to be left alone now is all.
Thanks for being here...will try to sleep.
They keep telling me to take all this more seriously. I think because most others are all weepy, and begging them witch doctors for a few extra minutes. I really don't give a fuck. I think this pisses them off. An affront to their priestly status.
P.S. - I totally agree with your assessment of the quality of life on this planet. Where was all the love we could have made? The art and beauty we could have created, if there were support for it? Why did the hippie rebellion have to fail and fade away?
ReplyDeleteInstead, lucrative careers are made by people who devote themselves to promoting misery. Fortunes are made by those selling bombs. What a shithole.
Z
Pretty much.
ReplyDeleteMore or less why I have no sadness leaving. I wonder at what will come if anything,...likely nothing. However I died three times in overdoses. The exit is,...interesting. Something does happen. ...if anything follows that,...I never got that far.
Seems I will this time.
Amazing...isn't that amazing...
I know how both you and Z feel. I am in the same boat and have the same outlook on things. But since there are so few of us to look forward to, even if only on this blog, let's hang in there as long as possible. Thanks guys. Luv you both!
ReplyDeleteLoves ya Anon!
ReplyDeleteYeah last of the Spartans! ...well if the Spartans we sweet liked fairies, and good sci/fi.
I have that feeling. Not just my age. Closing in on fucking 70...holy fuck.
That, but the internal space/time spirit stuff is making noises I can't ignore.
Time to download what I know to whoever will listen,...see stuff I meant to see...do stuff I wanna do...all that.
Meantime holding the Circle together as long as possible.
Like in an end time story I read.
Some tech told a friend over one of the last functioning com lines. "Keep what systems you still have running as best you can as long as you can."
Pretty much.
Hang on Anon were all here for each other.